Wednesday, February 02, 2011

It's Ravens Ground Hog Day!

This has been a long winter and if you buy into the folklore of Groundhog Day, then the winter still ahead just got shorter. The plump rodent did NOT see his shadow today so there will not be six more weeks of winter (although no one is saying just how much longer it will be and if we listen to local area meteorologists, they don’t know either).

Maybe Mr. Groundhog was too tired to even bother given all the wood that these woodchucks have been chucking lately on Geico Ads.

Groundhog Day has developed in folklore even more so in recent years thanks to Billy Murray’s flick of the same name which debuted in 1993. If you aren’t familiar with the movie, Murray plays an egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman named Phil Connors who dreads his assignment – covering Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, PA. Soon he finds himself repeating the same day over and over again.



So for sh*ts and giggles I’ve decided to put myself in Phil Connors’ shoes and become the cast director for Ravens Groundhog Day…

STARRING

John Harbaugh:
Head Coach who continually repeats the same rhetoric about great players, great coaches, mighty men and what it means to “Play like a Raven” while tirelessly sending Dannell Ellerbe back to the doghouse and reciting how excited he is about everything.

Ozzie Newsome: General Manager who tirelessly roams the team’s headquarters repeating the mantras, “Right player, right price” and “Best available player.”

Greg Mattison: Defensive Coordinator who time and time again can only count to 3 when asked how many rushers to send after the opponent’s QB when defending the red zone.

Cam Cameron: Offensive Coordinator who does the same things, the same way expecting different results and covers up his ears whenever any suggestions are made.

Joe Flacco: Quarterback who melts down more than the Wicked Witch of the West in Wizard of Oz reruns as he plays the Ben Roethlisberger led Pittsburgh Steelers and then explains how he just didn’t get it done and promises to try and do better the next time. He doesn’t!

Willis McGahee: Back up Running Back who substitutes for starter Ray Rice and each time he does, he runs a delay into a mass of humanity for no gain.

Michael Oher: “Blind” Side Tackle whose hearing is actually questioned after repetitive false starts.

Anquan Boldin: Wide Receiver who constantly recites the rhetorical question, “Why did I come to Baltimore?”

Derrick Mason: Wide Receiver who constantly recites the rhetorical question, “Why didn’t I retire?”

TJ Houshmandzadeh: Wide Receiver repeatedly shouts, “I should have caught that ball!’

Donte Stallworth: Wide Receiver who runs more reverses than the Tazmanian Devil on crack!

Ray Lewis: Star Linebacker who begins each sentence with, “The bottom line is…”

FEATURING

Bruce Cunningham: PA Announcer repeating, “Ronnie Perdue with the tackle.”

Mike Preston: Columnist, chanting over and over, “WE WANT BULGER, WE WANT BULGER!”

Damon Yaffe: Radio Lack-of-Personality with his ipod stuck on replay with the Steelers’ fight song, “Here We Go.”

Please feel free to add to the cast if you’d like…

3 comments :

Harryos29 said...

HARRY OS 29 Feb 2nd 2011
GROUND HOG DAY IN RAVENS LAND...
I want to add something to these crazy rhymes, but they all actually capture the Ravens to at "T".
..I think I've watched that movie 10 times in my life. After the Ravens Blew that last game against the Steelers, blowing the 21-7 half time lead; EVERY DAY SINCE THEN HAS BEEN THIS MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVERY DAY FOR ME

I have carried GEICO insurance since I got my Drivers license and would like to take the GEKO on that final ride with phil in the pick up truck over that cliff.
..
Your best line is the stuff about Coach Harbaugh; If you put him in the same room with HEW HAW for an hour, I promise you, no matter who came out of the room first, would sound exactly the same. Never saying anything negative, and exclaiming as he walks away "Play like a Raven....."

Jerry B said...

Great Blog, TL! Please add Steve Bisciotti, who has his head coach's "back", but for the life of me, I can't understand why as the coaching staff is beginning to look as dysfunctional as the.....offense!!!! Jared Gaither, who declared upon hearing he was being moved to right tackle....."Oh, my aching back"!!!! And, Le'Ron McClain, who upon being told that he was no longer a tailback replied, "Ptooey"!!!

Jeremy said...

Ravens can't even sit at the same table as Pittsburgh!