Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Cleveland Browns are the best franchise in the NFL...LOLOLOLOL!

I remember back in the Fall of 1995 I returned from a business trip in Florida on some USAir flight. Upon landing I checked my voice mail and learned that Art Modell was planning on moving his Browns to Baltimore. Like all of you I was ecstatic.

But shortly after the initial feeling of jubilation I felt a twinge of guilt. Didn’t we just do the same thing to the city of Cleveland that the city of Indianapolis had done to us back in 1984?

I really hoped that the Glazers would move their team from Tampa to Baltimore. At the time, Tampa was indifferent towards their Bucs as opposed to Cleveland which was always rabid about the Browns despite their then current struggles under Bill Belichick.

I quickly rationalized the move as acceptable.

Hey we played fair and tried to earn an expansion team the old-fashioned way. But Paul Tagliabue played Baltimore like a fiddle to forward his own agenda and expand into untapped markets. Gee that decision to go to Jacksonville sure has panned out hasn’t it Tags?

Looking back and recalling those mixed feelings today makes me want to laugh. The Browns fans aren’t worthy of my empathy. They’ve proven that with all of their crybaby tears that by now should have cleansed the cesspool known as Lake Erie.

Since they began wailing like infants not ready to be weaned off their highly desirable binkies, I’ve grown to despise Cleveland. I hate the Indians. I hate the Cavs. I really hate LeBron James. Clearly he is the poster child Cleveland whiners.

And of course I hate The Browns.

After crying a river and getting their way, the city of Cleveland still bitches and moans about everything. I guess if I lived there I might too so in a way it’s difficult to criticize. I love music and would love to visit the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame yet despite Southwest’s $39 one way fares, I still can’t bring myself to go to Cleveland – home of the NFL’s best franchise.


Well you shouldn’t be. Check out these excerpts from the Bleacher Report where Jim Cantrell tells us all why the Browns are the best…(my rebuttals in italics)

1. The Cleveland Browns boast the League's greatest and most innovative coach.

Paul Brown was a genius. Freakishly so.

Here are some of the "firsts" instituted by Paul Brown: filming games and keeping a library of those games, judging players by intelligence testing, classroom instruction during practice, face masks, using "messenger guards" to send plays into the huddle, using a radio transmitter to communicate with the players on the field.

Brown also used an offense, as directed by Graham, that many consider the predecessor of Bill Walsh's West Coast Offense, himself a protege of Brown.

And speaking of coaches, how impressive is this family tree? Blanton Collier, Weeb Ewbank, Sid Gillman, Chuck Noll, Ara Parseghian, Don Shula, the aforementioned Bill Walsh, and Sam Wyche.

Talk about living in the past – “freakishly so!” Contrell must have just fallen out of a tree. I guess Bowmar is the world’s greatest technology company. They did invent the world’s first calculator right? And I suppose cutting edge technology for Clevelanders includes 8 Track Players, Pong Video Games, mullet haircuts and rotary telephones…

2. The Cleveland Browns boast the League's greatest player.

In a 14 game season in 1963, Jim Brown rushed for 1,863 yards, a Browns single season record that still stands.

He is the only rusher in NFL history to average over 100 yards a game in a career.

But most impressively, Jim Brown averaged a mind boggling 5.2 yards per carry for his entire career. He essentially rushed for a first down every other time he carried the ball.

Last year Brown was inactive for all 16 games. Clevelanders are confident that the Browns would have advanced in the post season with an active Jim Brown. Jamal Lewis is confident that he can keep Brown inactive again this year.

3. The Cleveland Browns have distinct rivalries with all three opponents in their division.

Unlike teams in other divisions that base their contempt on familiarity, the Cleveland Browns and its inter-division foes really have reason to despise each other.

The Baltimore Ravens were almost the Baltimore Browns, and Cleveland fans will never forget.

The Cincinnati Bengals were founded by Paul Brown, a blow from which many Browns fans still have not recovered.

And the Pittsburgh Steelers, the doormat of the Browns and the rest of the NFL in general for so many years, turned the tables in the 1970's, when a coach from the Paul Brown coaching tree, Chuck Noll, helped to build one of the greatest teams of all time. The history of the games played between these two teams could fill many books, and indeed have.

This rivalry may not only be the greatest in the NFL, but for some, it is the greatest rivalry in all of sports.

Will both of those Browns’ fans that believe this please stand up? Greatest rivalry in all of sports? LOLOLOLOLOL...give me a moment to collect myself here....LOLOLOL

4. The Cleveland Browns are directly responsible for the success of Monday Night Football, and by extension, the League's lucrative television contracts.

Art Modell, former Browns owner and only elected NFL President (from 1967 through 1969), was also the NFL's broadcast chairman for 31 years.

As a member of the NFL's negotiating team in 1970, Modell was influential in convincing ABC to take on a truly groundbreaking show, Monday Night Football. Modell went so far as to volunteer to host the first game, which his Browns won against Joe Namath and the New York Jets, 31-21.

Television history was made, the wedding of football and television was complete, and the revenue that the new television contracts generated changed the game, for better or worse, forever.

Just as instrumental in the merger of the NFL and the AFL, Art Modell would have been a first ballot Hall of Famer if only he had been able to manage his own team's finances as well as he managed those early television deals.

So let’s get this straight, they want to take credit for Modell’s accomplishment yet he doesn’t feel safe returning to the city that benefitted from his philanthropic ways. That’s not too far removed from the behavior of a street thug now is it? Or maybe that of a bitter ex-spouse?

5. The Cleveland Browns boast the greatest fan base in all of sports.

With 312 chapters and over 87,000 members, the Cleveland Browns Backers is one of the largest fan organizations in professional sports. It has clubs in every major metropolitan area of America, and can be found in places as remote as Sri Lanka and Australia.

The "Dawg Pound" is a force inside the stadium, rocking the rafters with the woofs and barks of thousands of loyal fans dressed to the "K-9's" and cheering on their beloved team.

But the most impressive display of Cleveland's love of all things Browns was shown during the most tumultuous period in the team's proud history. In the midst of the 1995 season, owner Art Modell announced that he had reached an agreement with the city of Baltimore to move the Browns and begin play there the following season.

Many other cities, faced with similiar circumstances over the years, had tried to protest and stop their teams from moving.

Cleveland did.

And the chapter I remember most is of all of those beer bottles hurled on to the field by members of this “greatest fan base.” Is that what makes Cleveland so “great?” Oh and let’s not forget about the lovely fall evenings there that attract swarms of every flying insect ever known to man. We all know what attracts flying insects right?

Hey Jim Cantrell, if I ever get in any real trouble with the law, I hope you are opposing counsel. Your reasoning to support your argument is so typical of a Cleveland fan – more holes than the Albert Hall, splattered with conveniently twisted truths and totally full of…well you know.

And so do the flies.


Ravcolt said...

1. The Cleveland Browns boast the League's greatest and most innovative coach.

This is indisputable. No doubt Brown is the father of modern football. Everything stems from Paul Brown. He also started the “rival” Bengals (see below) in 1970, and yet is still revered in Cleveland? Make note of this schizophrenia later..

2. The Cleveland Browns boast the League's greatest player.

Certainly debatable, but the only reason Jim Brown was selected by Cleveland in the 1957 draft is because Len Dawson was selected one pick earlier by Pittsburgh. Dawson was the favorite of the father of modern football over Brown. Dumb luck. Of course, Johnny U was the greatest player. No kid ever started touch football game and said he wanted to be Jim Brown.

3. The Cleveland Browns have distinct rivalries with all three opponents in their division.

Bengals: Invented by Paul Brown (but who is your reason for number one above?)
Steelers: No argument, every year each city attempts to prove which one boasts women with the most facial hair.
Ravens: Why wouldn’t you hate a team that is directly responsible for your new stadium because the man you hate so much was forced to prove a point rather harshly?

4. The Cleveland Browns are directly responsible for the success of Monday Night Football, and by extension, the League's lucrative television contracts.

Before getting into this supposed Modell love-fest, there would not be MNF if there was no TV. What event led to a national TV contract? 1958. No comparison here. Now, which is it? Love Modell or hate him? Do us a favor and talk to that Grossi fella will ya?

5. The Cleveland Browns boast the greatest fan base in all of sports.

When’s the last time 20,000 Browns fans went to the opposing team’s stadium to witness the championship game involving their beloved Brownies? Granted, Browns fans are vocal and loyal like Pittsburgh, Green Bay and Baltimore, but don’t use the reasoning that they deserve number one status because they cried the loudest! Baltimore can certainly second that emotion.

Bill Cowher said...

I have always thought that Cleveland fans were dumb. Today I learned that they are dumb and delirious.

Anonymous said...

The Art Modell curse will always rest upon the City of Cleveland; meaning that they are losers and always will be losers.

When was the last time that they appeared in a Super Bowl? Oh, yeah, like never.

When was their last championship? 1964-- that is 44 years and counting.

How come they are the only team not to have any emblem on their helmets? Because they have no identity. What is a Brown anyway? (Yeah I know, Paul Brown).

Does anyone really care about the Cleveland Browns? No, and we will beat them twice this season, hands down.